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The ancient stoic Lucius Annaeus Seneca once said in his book, De Beneficiis (or On Benefits), that one of the greatest plagues to Roman society was that they didn’t know how to give or receive benefits. In the present day, you likely grew up being told that it is more socially acceptable to give rather than to receive. From my perspective, this way of thinking is an attempt to prevent us from having a culture of narcissists and takers — people who are just trying to suck the benefit out of every opportunity. Especially during difficult times, we may sacrifice our own well-being so as to not feel guilty about receiving a benefit when the world is in chaos.
Yet there are downsides to this way of thinking. If we walk around all day just figuring out the next place to give or be of service, we are robbing ourselves of the ability to create actual deep relationships and appreciate true connections. Your quality of receiving is aligned with the quality of your well-being. In previous articles, we outlined why it really feels good to give gratitude. If it feels good for you to go around showering everyone with benefits, you will likely do that frequently to feel on cloud nine.
But when you focus your entire life on giving to others, you rob the people in your life of the ability to return that benefit to you.
Let’s say you’re in a relationship where you provide the other party with some kind of benefit or kindness. It could make them feel like it’s a very lopsided relationship if you don’t allow them to give back. When you aren’t good at receiving, it makes people feel like you don’t need their help, which makes them feel bad because you are robbing them of the positive feelings attributed to giving.
Researcher Dr. John Amodeo has a few theories on why receiving is so hard for us. His first theory is that we have built up a defense against intimacy — that in a world that prioritizes surface-level relationships and instant connection, we actually fear intimacy. His second theory is about letting go of control. Giving a benefit, or giving gratitude, is a way of gaining control. Dr. Amodeo’s third theory is that we have a fear of there being strings attached to a benefit. That, he surmises, is why we have a tremendous inability to receive gratitude from others.
If we deflect a benefit, we are not allowing others to come into our inner orbit. Think about the last time someone tried to thank you. You probably brushed it off or minimized your contribution by saying “no problem.” This only makes the giver perceive that you didn’t authentically feel the measure of their generosity. How could you? You minimized and deflected.
Whether it’s us giving a gift, a word of affirmation, or a written letter, the narrative is in our hands. But how often do we surrender and let go of that control? How often do we allow others to dictate whether or not we feel the generous benefits others are bestowing?
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There is an overwhelming notion that gratitude given in an inauthentic way is a means to get something. For example, maybe you grew up in a home with parents who expected great things from you. Maybe they wanted you to be the star football player, be the smartest chess player or go to the most illustrious college. They might have showered you with compliments and gifts (later we’ll call those different love languages). When you’d receive those compliments and gifts, you’d probably believe that there were unspoken expectations behind these benefits. This type of recognition is for the things that you could potentially do, rather than for what you’ve done or who you truly are.
When gratitude is given in this inauthentic way, it gives us a very jaded idea of gratitude going forward: gratitude as a manipulation tool, rather than an authentic emotion.
What places in our lives are we denying others of their giving? What places in our lives are we unable to receive authentic gifts? How good would it feel if we opened our hearts and received from others?
Think about that co-worker who is always asking to go grab a coffee. Think about that friend who always texts asking if you need anything while you’re sick at home. What would happen if you just accepted their generosity and acknowledged that it’s their way of showing they care?
As creatives, we rely on feedback and gratitude from our supporters — it lets us know that our work has a positive impact on them. Believe them when they offer you gratitude, don’t shrug it off. As Seneca says in De Beneficiis, “Let us, therefore, show how acceptable a gift is by loudly expressing our gratitude for it; and let us do so, not only in the hearing of the giver, but everywhere.”
The next time someone gives you a compliment or tries to give you gratitude, accept the benefit and rejoice. Stop deflecting — you deserve gratitude too.
